love-hate

i can feel my soul ache whenever i think of you

my heart beats faster when you pass by

my eyes shift around the room,

never actually landing on you, but on objects and corners

that will not betray my thoughts.

 

i stand in a crowd

we somehow always find each other

in a frenzy of uncertain masks and unfamiliar territory

you are still there

but just barely.

 

you place your things next to mine

and when next time i move

so do you.

but i can’t tell if it is mere coincidence

or a betrayal of the heart

when i look at you

and see you looking back.

 

my soul is heavy

it aches with unresolved sorrow.

i have learned to hate this feeling;

happiness without grief is not as treasured

but in this instance i would much rather take

that in place of this unquenchable agony.

i want to scream “get away” when you stand close

i want to hold my own heart pure

instead of risking contamination through opportunity

that renders both love and heartache.

this little infatuation has turned into

full-frontal admiration and love

but without closure i am just

confused

and this butter-fly effect no longer holds happiness

but instead brings anger as i try to push you out of my mind

and out of my heart.

 

but you won’t leave, and so i am left

with my own wants and wishes;

this aching heart wants nothing to do with you

until, of course,

you crack a smile and i can’t help but smile back.

 

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